I have been thinking about my “roots” from as far back as when I became a parent, six years ago to be exact.I wondered how I will answer my own child when she is old enough to be curious about her heritage, history and ancestory. However, for the longest time I have been just thinking about it, but not really thinking deeply about it, or rather I would dismiss it.

Now, I have reached a point where I cannot ignore it anymore. It is something I want to find out for myself even more than it is for my daughter, even though I want to be able to answer her questions when they arise. I would love to just know for me.

I only have a mother to ask. No grand-parents or father to ask the parts where my mother might not be able to remember or know.

However, I have a very big problem… How do I ask my mother without “offending” her!? She has never been one to like answering those type of questions. At all!!!

I recall when I was expecting my first and only child, I was very curious about how things were with her while she was expecting me. She was very dismissive with regards to my questions, claiming not to remember that far back. I got a sense that it must have been a time she wanted to forget but then again maybe it wasn’t so exciting or eventful!? I felt as if I was offending her, so I didn’t press on as much as I would have loved to find out.

So now, I really feel at a loss, but I have to get over my fear of “mother’s reaction” because I want to know how life was like prior my entry inot her life and after. I want to know about my grand-parents, my father, my oarents relationship. Not only the terrible stuff which I have been told, but also the good times. There must have been some surely!? There must have been love and joy and silliness entwined in all those relationships…

Wake-up. Bath. Rush, rush, rush. Arrive at work and start the day. Leave, get back home. Grab a bite and back to work. Leave for home. Eat while watching a bit of TV and catching-up with the reason I do all that I do. Is this what it’s all about?

Surely there has to be more to life than this drudger y of a routine. I feel like I don’t have time to do me. I don’t even know or remember what doing me is! What do I like? What would I do if I had time-out. A real long week with just myself and no work or any of my daily routine. I do hunger for that. Maybe I’d get to catch-up on my admin work. Then, write and do some internal work on self. Try a bit of meditation and maybe also get it right. Just maybe. But then a week won’t be enough I gather.

I wish for a holiday too. This time I wish for though is not for holiday, it is just to recharge my soul. Remember the, more to this, that is there. Which I seem to have forgotten or lost or it alludes me!? I am not even sure. Would it be different under different circumstances? Is it even possible?

Anyway, I am calling on the universe to afford me this priviledge. That means more business because that is how I can afford to take time out…

There has to be more to life than this… There has to be.

Meditation… Hallucination?.

I have always wished to understand and actually meditate. So, I have read guidelines on how to meditate and also had been encouraged to meet my inner persons. All that ever happened on the rare occasions when I have tried to meditate was realise a great inability I have to still my thoughts and mind. Watching TV has a better effect when it comes to quitening my mind.

I would focus on trying to empty my thoughts. However, what would happen instead, would be me thinking and hearing every little thing happening around me. I would hear with incredible precision the different noises, from the creaking floor next door to the truck a couple of kilometers away from my place. The bird picking on whatever and the smallest insect noises. All the while remembering the telephone call I am meant to make since 3 months ago, and, and, and…

So, when I received an invitation to attend a guided meditation teaching. I thought to myself, I am very open to new experiences, so, why not!?

My first one was a combination of a teaching about the goddess Isis and all the related beings of love and light. It was a bit here-and-there for me but when we finally got to the meditation part, things started getting interesting. A person would sit oin the middle and we’d all be asked to focus our energy on them and listen, feel and see… For lack of a better way to explain.

Needless to say, As I thouhgt to myslef, I am still not able to tune out all the other sounds, I did sort of “see” stuff. But dismissed what I saw as an overactive imagination of a mind which cannot be stilled. So, when we were asked to share what came out for us in relation to the subject in the middle of the circle. What I sensed and saw was not as irrelevent as I’d thought it to be. And it kept getting more and more as the event proceeded.

The most vivid of the occurances are the following: At one point I felt behind my closed eyes, that I saw orange colours which eventually turned blue. They turned out to be something significant/ relevenat to the subject. Then I was getting a heavy feeling around the nape of my neck and feeling like I couldn’t lift my head up. Which also meant something to the subject in question. The most freaky occurance was when I felt myself being pulled to one side whilst having my hands over anothers (not touching). The pull was so intense I almost fell but I could not pull myself back to a proper stance. When it was my turn, all I felt or saw was butterfly shapes. Others claimed to have seen Isis Herself standing behind me with big fairy-wings. And apparently an very old soul of an old African man(probably form ┬áthe Dogun Tribe, whatever they may be) whom is constantly by my side! I felt none of those, but hey apparently the more I practice the clearer things become.

The second round, of group meditation I did also had some weird things happen to me. At one point the subject in question, sat facing my direction and I had hectic bouts of coughing. Like I was choking on smoke or somethign similar. I drank water but it didn’t stop. As it turned out, it was a projection of the subjects closed throat chakra!!! After he moved out, my choking stopped as if it never even happened… If someone were to tell me this, I’d think they’re having me on. But these things happened to me!!! I cannot explain, and am not sure how true all this is. ButI know what I felt and experienced.

Was i t real, or was I hallucinating!?

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I went for my Personal Training interview at the club I want to run my PT business from. I had a shake-up about my decision last week, but it only lasted a few hours. My heart and mind managed to stay focused *thankful*.
So, the weekend was spent on finally putting all my business ideas on paper. Ideas in the mind can be so cluttered. It really helps to put things on paper.
This exercise also proved to be valuable because most of what I was asked in the interview I had organised in my business plan and mind.

Anyway, I have also been working on my research paper for my project to complete my qualification requirements. Thankfully I have completed and passed all my other exams, whew! In a nutshell , I have been surviving on 4 hour sleep for the past week as a result of trying to fit in my research paper in the middle of my already full schedule. I have had a perpetual headache as a result.

So. Lastnite after finally clearing the house and putting everything in it’s place, I misplaced my sim-card for the 3G stick. I was packing stuff away, throwing small pieces of stuff and neatening stuff. And I misplaced a sim-card the size of a South African 10cent piece!!! Back to checking all the spots I passed through whilst tidying-up. Oh, by the way, did I also mention that a vacuum cleaner was also a part of this neatening-up process!? Well, yeah…
About 30 precious minutes later, I decide to call it a night so I can continue the search the following day, hopefully with fresh eyes and a fresh awareness.

I cannot listen to the radio as the Missing is also used for that purpose. *Sigh*
I think I shall carry-on with my assignment, sans the internet connection. But I quickly dose-off. My body is tired of being abused and over-worked. It totally shuts down. I wake-up with my laptop about to fall off the bed. I put it down safely, turn the light off and concede defeat.

This morning, I wake-up unalarmed by the usual alarm. Pretty refreshing and pleasant occurrence. Now, after a glass of water, the mind decides to start thinking about ways of getting a new sim-card. Not a pleasant thought as this only highlights the disruption to my day. I already had plans of how I was going to spend my day, and standing in a queue to get a new sim-card wasn’t one of them.

So, I sit in my bed ad trawl the “twittersphere” and net on my cellphone. Getting lost in reading articles and blogs. The cut-out picture of a beamer on my side-lamp looking at me. I look at it lovingly and grab it for a closer look. Who or what appears from behind where the picture was!?
The Missing!!! She makes an unceremonious appearance!!! Wow! I almost shout for joy, which might only have woken-up the neighbours, who wouldn’t have been impressed at the reason for my shouts in the dead of morning.

So, I think, the only logical reason for all this drama was the universe conspiring in my favour. The rest was what I needed and it was given me, without my consent. But it was and still is much appreciated…

OMG!!! I have finally managed to log into my WordPress account! For an eternity i have struggled to reset my password! Whew!!! *wipesforehead*
I can’t believe it! I know I’m not so techno savvy but never had I encountered such a frustrating exercise! You can even see by my overuse of exclamation marks!!! I am that surprised!

Now to re-acquaint myself with the workings of the site… *sigh*

Wish me luck… So much to say, so little time!

So, turns out this was a draft. Took me almost an hour to find it again after I saved the draft. So, I will log in every day until I get the workings of this. This will be my late-ish New Year’s resolution. Ha!

I really don’t find this website user-friendly! It makes me feel like a dinosaur!!!! *grrrr* This is my year to practice, practice, practice! How do I do that if I still feel like I’m in a maze of WordPress town!?

Can anyone help in the simplest techno-manner possible. Like other websites are so easy to use, I really don’t get this one. I mean, How do I generate traffic if I can’t even find where other people are at in this very site, let alone myself!?

My 3G’s been acting-up too and my coffee has gone super cold!! I’m going to climb back in bed, and in five minutes, get-up and start over. Right now, it’s 11am.

DiCluttered

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